Carleeny Todd: The Demon Doctor of Fleet Street
by Robyn-Enjolras
Summary: Inspired by the play and NOT the movie. Carlisle is a demonic doctor. Jasper is a lovable soldier longing to be buried in Alice's hair. Jacob is a cute little boy who won't let anything bad happen. And Esme makes pies! Sweeney ToddxTwilight. Chapter 7 up!
1. Attend the tale of Carlisle Cullen

A/N: I have been listening to the ORIGINAL 1979 BROADWAY CAST for, like, a week nonstop, and I have fell in love with Sweeney Todd again. Then, I was bored, and thought of a TwilightxSweeney Todd crossover! I'm so cool!

AND I GOT MY NEW IPOD TODAY!!! I renamed it 'SweenyPod' Isn't that _amazing_!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Sweeney Todd, for that matter. But Jacob Black _does_ live in my basement, no joke! (my da saw him... for realisies!!) Anyway…

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Our story begins with Edward sitting behind a mahogany desk wearing s turn-of-the century suit. Bella is beside him, with a hand on his shoulder, sporting a Lucretia Garfield dress. (She was James Garfield's wife and every dress for that era I automatically associate with her for a certain reason. If you care to know what this is, message me.) Edward opens a thick leather-bound novel and starts: 

"This is the tale of Carlisle Cullen, a doctor from London who was accused of a crime he did not commit and sent to a prison camp in the southern part of America, by Texas."

Bella giggles and Edward glares at her to make her stop, and continues:

"Carlisle had many clients, most of them wealthy and of good renown. His clients were never heard from again. What happens then? Well, that's the story and he wouldn't want me to give it away."

Bella smiles, "Not Carlisle."

"Not Carlisle Cullem." They say together, "The Demon Doctor of Fleet Street."

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A/N: Sorry for the short prologue! Chapert 1 is almost done... s'real cool! 

Here's the list of who everyone is going to be.

**CARLISLE CULLEN AS SWEENEY TODD**

**ESME AS MRS LOVETT**

**JASPER WHITLOCK AS ANTHONY HOPE**

**ALICE BRANDON AS JOHANNA Barker or Todd **or Oakley, (or Turpin?) I don't know… pick one.

**TANYA AS BEGGAR WOMAN**

**DR. PERRY COX AS PIRELLI**

**JACOB BLACK AS TOBIAS**

**CHARLIE SWAN AS JUDGE TURPIN**

**MIKE NEWTON AS BEADLE BAMFORD**

**EDWARD and BELLA are the NARRATORS, but they probably won't be around much.**

**ROSALIE, EMMETT, JESSICA, ANGELA, etc. are ASSORTED CUSTOMERS and TOWNSPEOPLE.**


	2. Esme's Pies are the Worst in London

A/N: I'd just like to explain the roles that Esme and Tanya have. I was originally going to have Esme as the Beggar Woman, but I like her to much to give her that role 'cause it scares me… a lot. So that's why Tanya is 'cause she is the only other adult-ish female who does not really have a mate. So… yeah. And Carlisle's "real name" comes from that of Jesse Spencer's character on "House." 'Cause I think he should play Carlisle in the movie and it was the first name that kinda came to my head.

And Esme is not going to be vampire. And neither is Emmett or Rosalie. Or Jasper and Alice. Actually, just Carlisle and Edward (in his few appearances) are the only vampires in the story. And Jacob is not going to be a werewolf. Everyone else is their status in the books. And, yes, the Dr Cox as Pirelli is the Dr Cox from Scrubs, which I don't own, either.

Disclaimer: Again, don't own Twilight OR! OR! OR! OR! Sweeney Todd!!

* * *

Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his companion, a Confederate soldier still in uniform, Jasper Whitlock, just got off the boat and arrived in London. 

"Thanks for saving my life back there, boy," Carlisle Cullen said solemnly.

"Eh, it was nothin'! Y'know how…" Jasper looked around, "terrible those vampires can be."

"Yes, well it's good to be back in London. I haven't been here in quite some time."

The boat finally reached its destination and the two men got off.

"It's time we go our separate ways, Jasper. Farewell, boy," Carlisle said.

Just then, an old beggar woman ran up to Jasper, holding out a tin can.

"Got any money on ya, soulja boy?" she asked.

Jasper shrugged, and tossed a couple of illegal Confederate dollars into the cup. The woman smiled again and pulled up her skirt, muttering some nonsense sprinkled with sexual innuendos.

"You there! Get away from him," Carlisle waved his hand in front of her, which unfortunately caused her to turn around.

"'ow about you sir?"

"Oh, please. Go away," he snapped, and folded his arms across his torso.

The woman got up in his face and stood on her toes, "'ey now… Don't I know ya, sir?"

Carlisle opened his mouth, aghast, "No! Be off with you, crazy woman."

She shrugged and began her little poor beggar woman routine elsewhere.

"What the hell…?" Jasper brushed off his uniform.

Carlisle shook his head, "I have no idea. Well, I best be going, Major Whitlock."

"Hope to see ya soon, Dr Cullen!"

He looked at the optimistic young lad for a moment, then stared at the ground, frowning, "There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it and it goes by the name of London…

"There was once a doctor and his wife. And she was beautiful. He loved her a lot. And she was beautiful, and kind, and polite. Perfect. And he was…

"There was another man who noticed that she was beautiful. An officer of the law. And easily sent the doctor away. Gosh, was she beautiful…."

Jasper looked intently at Carlisle, wondering if it was appropriate to speak, "What happened to the pretty lady?"

Carlisle came back to his sense for a brief period of time, for he forgot that Jasper was even there, "Oh, well, that was a long time ago. No one probably even remembers it anymore," he turned towards Jasper again, "I must leave now, Jasper. I have somewhere important to go."

Jasper waved good-bye and smiled.

Carlisle got lost in thought again, "There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it and it goes by the name of London…"

Carlisle Cullen finally found his way to his former home on Fleet Street. He found that the bottom half of where he formally lived was now a pie shop opened by a wacky lady.

"Oh, my! A customer!" She grinned, turning towards Cullen, who had begun to step out there door reflexively.

"Wait, where'r ya goin'! Sit down, dear, and have some pie!"

Carlisle sat down, to stunned to talk, and shook his head 'no' quickly.

"Jus' lemme warn ya, dear, they aren't the best. Actually, they are terrible. You are in the very pie shop whose owner has the title of the baker of the worst pies in London!" The woman slapped a pie into Carlisle's unsuspecting hand.

He figured the only way to maker her shut up was to unwillingly take a bite. He swallowed it, trying to be polite, but he couldn't help from grimacing a little.

"See? I told ya 'twas nasty! Would you like some beer to get the taste out of your mouth?" she reached for a glass and was about to fill it up.

"NO! I mean, no, ma'am, thank you," Carlisle stood up and was about to leave again, but then he remembered why he was there in the first place, "Sorry. Is there anyone living in the room above your shop? I'm looking for a place to stay."

The pie shop owner smoothed out her skirt and sat down on a counter, "No, it's not occupied. No one will even go near it 'cause they're scared.

"There was a young doctor who used to live there with his wife. He was very skilled with a scalpel. And he was just gorgeous, dear, gorgeous! But he got sent away 'cause he got arrested. And he was beautiful. I think his name was… Chase… Robert Chase."

"What was he arrested for?" Carlisle asked, sitting down again.

"Well, someone likes stories!" The lady, set her hands on her lap, "Eh… no one really knows. Y'see, his wife, she was very pretty, also, but she wasn't all that smart. These two men absolutely loved her, the chief of police, his name is Charles Swan, and one of his deputies, a Michael Newton,. They tried to get her to like them, but to no avail, she remained faithful to her husband in his absence. The only other family she had was her year-old baby girl, named Alice. She was awfully cute. But this chap's wife had no idea what was coming to her.

"Deputy Newton came calling on her one night. He invites her to some party that the chief was holding, and everyone was wearing masks. And she kinda gets a little drunk. And, uh, well, y'see… he kinda raped her. It was quite icky, if you ask me."

Carlisle stood up suddenly, knocking the chair over, "No! What happened to my dear sweet Tanya?"

The pie shop owner jumped down from her place on the counter and stood in front of Carlisle, looking intently at his face, "Why… it's you… Robert Chase."

"I'm not Chase anymore! It's Cullen, Carlisle Cullen."

"My name is Esme," the woman smiled, "Oh, and your dear sweet Tanya poisoned herself because of what Chief Swan did to her."

Carlisle stumbled and finally sat down again, "I. Will. Get. Him."

Esme's face lit up, "I'll be right back!" she went upstairs to the room that Carlisle used to live in, and returned with a black doctor's bag.

"You can be a doctor again! I refused to sell anything that was in it, 'cause, me being the lovely nut that I am, thought that you would come back. And I'm ever so glad that you did, Dr Cullen!"

Carlisle stood transfixed at his black leather bag. He grabbed it from Esme and began searching for his scalpel. He held it up, the candle light reflecting off of the silver surface.

"My arm is complete again!" He shouted.

Esme patted his shoulder, "That's very good, Dr. C."

He turned towards her excitedly, "Y'know what's funny? They've been locked up all these years… just like me! And once I get a hold of that damned chief of police, I'll—" he pantomimed slitting one's throat on a piece of dough that had fallen on the floor. Even though Carlisle knew that he could just bite them and get it over with, he had a feeling that this would be better received by the public and Esme.

He finally lowered his arm, turning towards Esme, "Where is my girl? My sweet Alice?"

"Chief Swan took him as his own. She's been there ever since your wife…"

"That Swan! I'll kill him soon, you'll see!" He exclaimed angrily.

"Calm down, Dr. Cullen," Esme attempted to comfort him.

* * *

Major Jasper Whitlock stood on a quaint London street. His attention was solely fixed on a beautiful girl with short black hair staring out a window.

* * *

A/N: I really like how this turned out! Alice and Jasper's chapter is really fun to right and I'm almost done with it. Here's why I chose Jasper for Anthony: Because Anthony was a sailor in the navy, and Jasper was a soldier in the army, they were kind of like parallels, but I was almost going to have Edward be Anthony and Bella be Johanna, but obviously didn't. And, also, Charlie likes Alice a lot, so it kind of works that she is his sort-of daughter. Please review! No flames si'l vous plait! And if you have any ideas or question, please tell me those, too! I won't bite :). But Jacob might… hee hee! 


	3. Jasper and Alice

A/N: I just got back from Canton a few hours ago and, seeing how I have no life and don't like to study for huge biology tests, I have decided to write you guys some chap! I'm also listening to the Sweeney Todd OBC on SweeneyPod (my iPod) right now, so that helps, too. And the song right now happens to be "Johanna"! Yay for inspiration… not really. I hate inspirational movies, but that's another story.

DISCLAIMERS (are quite unnecessary): Don't own anything that is not mine.

Every chapter will now have a fun fact.

FUN FACT: I should be doing vocab words for Acts III and IV for 'Romeo & Juliet' right now. And drying my hair. But I'm not, so yeahz.

* * *

She was leaning out the window, looking at some birds in cages that were held up by a bird salesman. Her short black hair covered a small part of her face. She brushed it away. 

"Good mornin', miss!" greeted the salesman.

"Hello, sir," smiled the girl, taking out two birds from a cage, "What are these birds called?"

"Why, I do believe that that one is a green finch, and t'other one is a linnet bird. Would you be interested in purchasing one?"

"Green finch, linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird, they're all the same. Like me, they are usually caged up when all they really want to do is be free and explore the world. No, I don't think I'll be buying one today." the girl said solemnly, putting the two birds back. She smiled at the bird seller again before he took the birds away with him.

"That was so incredibly cheesy," muttered Jasper from a distance.

"Hey, there, soldier boy!" it was the hobo woman again, "Ya got anymore money?

"_What the hell?! _I just gave you, like, two Confeder—I mean pounds—not even ten minutes ago! How can you spend that kind of money that fast?!" Jasper shouted.

The woman looked around, and looked at Jasper again. Seeing how she couldn't think of an answer and he was growing impatient, she rolled up her skirts again, and exclaimed more sexual innuendos. Jasper raised his hand to strike her, but then he remembered that beautiful girl at the window. He figured that one of the locals would know who she would be.

He placed his hands on the hobo's shoulders,

"Do you know who that girl is over there? In the window. No, you old coot, over there. _That window!_ Yes, that one. What's her name?"

The hobo looked at him, "Aw, someone's in love!" (A/N: Robyn would like to take this opportunity to write this in all caps: ROMEO AND JULIET. ACT I. SCENE I. BENVOLIO. ROMEO. WITH A LITTLE BIT OF ROSALINE. (Every time we read it in class, I kept saying "Rosalie" instead of "Rosaline" and all the kids in my class who read 'Twilight' thought I was cool! Anyway…))

"Yes, dammit. She's pretty. Now, what's her name?!" Jasper was growing impatient,

"Her name is Alice. She lives in Chief Swan's house. She's his ward. But I highly recommend not going in there, because he will mostly likely lock you up for life!" the hobo lady finally said seriously. Unfortunately for Jasper, this only lasted for a few minutes, for she began to lift her skirts up again and make more non-accidental Freudian slips. This time, however, Jasper ran away. He walked closer to the window that Alice was at.

"Alice…" he muttered.

She disappeared from the window, as if someone was calling for her from inside.

"I feel you, dear Alice. I thought for a while that I was dreaming. Happily, I was mistaken. Alice…" Jasper set down his luggage, "I'll steal you, dear Alice. Does he think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window. I wish I was up there with you. Buried sweetly in your black hair…"

Alice appeared at the window. She noticed the darling Confederate soldier looking at her longingly. She, herself, thought that he was quite handsome and proceeded to go downstairs and outside to greet him.

* * *

Dr Carlisle Cullen and his faithful friend Esme were outside, too. Though they were quite a ways from where Jasper and Alice were. Carlisle was watching a salesboy presenting a new kind of medicine, invented by one Dr Perry Cox from America…

* * *

A/N: Yeah, well now I'm listening to "I'll Make a Man Out of You" because it is cool and it is the theme song of OHS Band Camp 2007. Anyway, I sincerely apologizing for using lyrics from the musical. I hate when people do it, and I try not to. But I really felt that I had to. Sorry. Expect Chapter 4 to come soon! And, also, I'm looking to see if anyone would be interested in being a co-author for my other fic, My Dr Acula. If you are, please message me and I'll send you the first half of the third chapter that I wrote. I'm only taking one co-author, and it'll most likely be first-come first-serve. Sorry for posting this here! I can't seem to do anything right! Sorry! GAH!

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This chappie has the Copyright of 2008. Jacob Black and Ferdinand Foch live in the Author's basement. They helped a little in writing this chapter. 


	4. Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir

A/N: Cookies and shout-outs to those who know where 'Injun Joe' and Mercutio are from! Hint: They are not from the same story.

FUN FACT: I have a band concert tomorrow! We get to play 2nd Suite in F. And March of the Belgian Paratroopers! YAY!!

Disclaimer: Figure it out. Shiz.

* * *

There was a young boy, who seemed to be Native American. He wore a long sweater and pants. He stood up on a wooden platform, holding a brown bottle high in the air.

"Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention puh-leaze!" exclaimed the boy.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him. Carlisle was in the front, beside Esme, his arms were crossed and he was tapping his foot impatiently.

The boy continued, "Are you, or have you known, a soldier or sailor that has been wounded so badly and that it seemed to take forever for him to stop bleeding! Well, my name is Jacob, e'ery'un, and I have the answer to this problem!" he pointed to the bottle and waved it around.

Everyone 'oohed' and 'ahhed'.

"See, I was wounded in the woods one day as I was heading back from the factory at which I used to work at, when I was attacked by a huge bear or wolf, I honestly couldn't tell. Well, someone finally found me and I was quickly taken to a fine doctor. He couldn't find a way to stop the bleedin' an' I had purty much lost color in my skin. Finally, about a week later, an illustrious doctor came, Cox by name, claiming he had something that could stop the bleedin'. He gave me this liquid as precious as gold. I drank it daily like what I was told. And behold!" here he rolled up the sleeves to reveal deep russet skin.

"What was it, boy?" inquired a curious member of the crowd named Emmett.

Jacob smiled, "'Twas Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir. That's what did the trick, sir. That's the truth. How fast did it work, sir? Did it in a jiffy, sir! Just like an elixir ought to do! It only costs a penny!"

Emmett whispered to a woman next to him who was his wife, "It's only a penny, Rosalie! And you know how many people there are with hemophilia!"

Rosalie sighed, "_You_ don't need it, dear."

Jacob jumped down from his place on the platform and walked up to another man named Eric Yorkie, "C'mon, ya know you want it!"

Eric sighed, "Only a penny?"

"That's right!"

Eric game him the money and Jacob pranced away proudly. More people kept buying and this made Jacob ever so happy. A man next to Carlisle opened up a bottle that he had just recently bought. Carlisle grimaced, scrunching up his nose.

"Oh, God, what is that?!" Carlisle waved his hand in front of his nose.

"It's Doct—" began the man.

"I know _that_! It smells like sewer water mixed with dead mice! Don't you smell that, Esme?"

Esme fanned her hand in front of her face, "Oh, my, do I!"

Carlisle forced the bottle under the man's nose, "Now, tell me you can't smell that!"

The man looked at Carlisle in surprise after taking a sniff and nodded quickly. He, in turn, told the person next to him, who told the person next to him, and eventually almost everyone in the crowd had figured out that Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir was a fraud.

Emmett raced up to Jacob, "Gimme my money back, Injun!"

Injun Joe appeared out of nowhere and slapped Emmett upside the head and muttered something about how uncool it is to make racial slurs. He then disappeared. Emmett stood there in confusion. He and Jacob shrugged at each other in unison.

More crowd members gathered around Jacob and demanded their money back. Jacob looked around in the throng for his boss, Dr Cox. They were all screeching and yelling at him, some even threw their bottle of the medicine at him. Jacob felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned around quickly.

"Talk to him!" he cried, presenting Dr. Perry Cox.

"I am Perry Cox, the king of the doctors. The doctor of kings! Good day everyone!" he bowed proudly, "Now, who here says that my medicine is a fraud, hm?"

Carlisle separated himself from the crowd in a graceful stride, "I do. I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen—"

"The demon doctor of Fleet Street!" exclaimed Mercutio, who, like Injun Joe, had appeared out of nowhere and was exclaiming things no one cared about or paid attention to. When Carlisle glared at him evilly, Mercutio gasped and ran away into the streets, never to be seen nor heard from again. No one comprehended this, and assumed that their minds were foolin' around, but it happened. Oh yes, it did.

"Anyway, I have opened a bottle of Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir and have come to the conclusion that it is nothing but a fake. And furthermore, mister, I have serviced no kings, but I bet you that I can diagnose a patient and treat him with twenty times dexterity (A/N: ROMEO AND JULIET VOCAB WORD!! eeeee go me!) than anyone else could!"

Dr Cox sneered, "Do you hear this idiotic man?! I invite you all to see him lose this bet with utter humiliation!"

Carlisle looked at Beadle Mike Newton, "Will you be the judge, Beadle Newton?"

"Of course! Never turn down a request from friends and neighbors, that's my motto!" grinned Newton, "Ready?"

"Ready," replied Cox and Cullen at the same time.

"The fastest, quickest diagnosis is the winner!" exclaimed the beadle.

"Anyone feelin' uneasy?" Carlisle shouted to the crowd. Emmett raised his hand, and Carlisle motioned for him to join him on the platform. Dr Cox looked around desperately, but no one else volunteered.

"Jacob…?" pleaded Cox.

"No, sir! I'm fine, just—!"

Cox punched him in the stomach, and Jacob coughed and shrank in pain reflexively, "How about now"

Jacob glared as Dr Cox thrust him onto a stool opposite Emmett.

Carlisle nodded at Dr. Cox, and they both set to work. Cox narrated so everyone could hear how skilled a physician he was.

"See, what we have here is a boy who does not feel well. He is writhing in pain, which means that somewhere on the inside there is a problem…" Cox quickly stole a glance at Carlisle, who was peering inside Emmett's mouth.

Since Dr Cullen was moving at a somewhat glacial place, Dr Cox ignored Jacob for the time being and told a story of one of his more famous patients. During this, he kept glancing over at Carlisle, who was taking his time with Emmett. He was more personal with him, asking for Emmett to carefully describe his symptoms with detail. Dr Cox took his time with Jacob when he finally started to work on him. He was just about to tell Beadle Newton that he was almost done with his patient, but Carlisle was done with Emmett very quickly while Dr Cox had been elaborating on his stories of famous clients.

"Beadle Newton!" Carlisle called. He told the beadle what Emmett's disease was. Newton raised the good doctor's arm and announced him the winner.

Dr Cox pouted and accused Carlisle of cheating, and Beadle Newton told him that that was not so. Cox crossed his arms and pouted, exiting with Jacob.

He was about to leave with Esme when he got a spectacular idea. Beadle Newton was very close with Chief Swan. If he could only tell Newton to tell Swan to get a check up or something… Swan would be in his office and Carlisle would cheerfully dispose of him.

"You did a good job up there, Dr Cullen," the lawman said to the doctor when he was alone with him and Esme.

"Thank you, sir. Say, how would you like a check-up? You can come anytime you like, my door is always open," devilishly smiled Carlisle.

"Sure thing, doc! That sounds like a great idea! I'll be there before the week is out."

"Oh, and while you're at it, please ask Chief Swan to come when he gets a chance."

Carlisle said good-bye to the beadle and he and Esme walked back to the pie shop. The doctor was overcome with joy.

* * *

A/N: Well, there ya have it! Some Carlisle/Esme songified action will be up next! Not to mention Charlie/Mike/Alice/Jasper/Tanya! And that offer for the 'My Dr Acula' co-author is still up. :) 


	5. The Demise of Dr Cox, aka Gregory House

A/N: Shout-out to TrulyFrighteninLilMonsterAlice for getting the Mercutio/Injun Joe thingy right! I'm not putting the answer up just yet, so people can still have the opportunity to get shout-outs and cookies. But don't cheat, 'cause I can tell when you cheat because, though you may not know it, my special secret sneaky spy Ferdinand Foch is in YOUR room right now to see if you are cheating. I has had a snow day and are writing a chapter. Huzzah!

Disclaimer: Seriously… do you need this? After four other chapters? Cheese and rice…

FUN FACT: I'm watching 'The Simpsons' and the guy sang the 'I'm Young and Healthy' song from "42nd Street", which I am currently in. REPRESENT!

* * *

Bella and Edward enter, wearing the same James and Lucretia Garfield-era clothes that they were in the prologue.

"Carlisle pondered. Carlisle planned. Like a machine, man! He was waiting for Beadle Mike Newton to come to his doctor's office!" Bella shouted.

"Bella… shhh…" Edward whispered.

"Whyyyy??" she whined.

"People will catch on to the wrongdoings of Dr Cullen and then there won't be any story left to tell!" Edward snapped.

Bella formed her mouth into an 'o' shape and she and her fiancé that really should've been Jacob frolicked into the distance.

* * *

Carlisle paced in his office. He set his hands on Esme's shoulders, "Why isn't Beadle Newton here yet?! He said 'Before the week is out'! He said that. He did."

Esme slid the cold white hands off her shoulders, "It's only Thursday, dear. Calm down. Don't stress yourself out. I'm sure he'll be here soon!"

Carlisle turned around about-face and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Carlisle, dear. The beadle'll come," Esme approached the doctor from behind and wrapped her arms around his waist, "In the meantime, we can decorate your office. It'll be ever so fun!"

Carlisle stood still, "And who knows when Chief Swan will come…"

"We can put some daisies over there… or maybe pansies. No, daisies. And we can have a nice light green wallpaper—"

"Esme! There are more important things to think about than the color of the wallpaper in here and what kind of flowers there will be!"

Jasper suddenly entered the room excitedly. He leaned against Carlisle's desk with one hand and panted, "I. Got. Great. News."

Carlisle helped him to a chair, "What is it, boy?"

"Who is this?" asked Esme.

"Major Jasper Whitlock, ma'am, of the Confederate States of America. Dr Cullen and I met while he was in exile down in Texas."

"Pleasure," nodded Esme.

"Anyway, I met this beautiful girl today named Alice. She lives in Chief Swan's house, and he keeps her locked in her room all day. She dropped this key out of her window," he held it up proudly, "to me before I left. I'm going to ask her to marry me, but I have nowhere to take her. Would you mind if I brought her here, Dr. C?"

"What did you say her name was, Jasper?" Carlisle turned around slowly to meet the boy's gaze.

"Alice, sir."

Carlisle looked knowingly and Esme, then turned back again towards Jasper, "You can bring her here."

The handsome young major's face lit up, "Oh, thank you, Dr Cullen! Thank you so much!" He was no sooner gone after he exclaimed those words.

Carlisle relaxed in a chair and Esme sat atop his desk.

"Alice… my girl…" the doctor sighed, staring off into space.

Esme smiled lovingly at him. A sudden knock came from the door.

"Dr Cullen? Are you in there?" it was foreign accent, that of an American.

"Yessir. Who is it?"

"Dr Perry Cox. Remember me?"

Carlisle and Esme jumped out of their spots in unison. Esme walked over to the door and let the other doctor in, who was accompanied by his assistant, Jacob.

"Hello, Dr Cox."

"Dr Cullen."

The two doctors both looked at Esme and Jacob. Esme took the hint.

"Oh! Look at the littl'un! Come downstairs, dear. You can have a nice meat pie. How does that sound, hm?"

Jacob nodded quickly and the pie shop owner and the Native American lad left the office.

Carlisle sat behind his desk and motioned for Dr Cox to pull a chair over.

"What do you want to talk about, sir?"

"I think you know… Robert Chase."

Carlisle froze, "How… do you know….my—"

Dr Cox smiled smugly, "You probably don't remember me. My name is Gregory House."

Carlisle tilted his head a little, not recognizing the name.

Cox continued, "I worked for you a while ago… And you look exactly the same as you did when I last saw you. I wasn't with you for a long time. You were an intern of mine for a couple of weeks. And I remember that scalpel you had," he pointed to a shiny metal object on the desk, "That was one thing I couldn't forget about you… That scalpel…"

"What do I have to do so you won't tell anyone?"

"Well… we can be partners and have a clinic together. And you would give 90 percent of the money you make to me, and I'll keep quiet."

"No." Carlisle frowned.

"That's the only way, Robert," Cox shrugged.

Carlisle felt himself suddenly fill with rage as he grabbed the scalpel and raised it to a panicked and surprised Cox's throat. But he set the medical instrument down. Instead he sunk his teeth into the skin of his former colleague.

A few minutes later, he finally realized what he did.

"Shit," Carlisle mumbled as he wiped the blood off his face. He looked around his office for something to put the dead body in and luckily there was a large trunk in the corner of the room. He stuffed Dr Gregory House/Perry Cox's body in there with ease and shut the lid of the trunk and sat on it.

A soft knock on the wooden door got Carlisle's attention.

"Oh, gosh… what now?" sighed the doctor as he opened the door to reveal Jacob.

"'ello, sir! I was supposed to get Dr Cox when I was done with my pie. That's what Esme told me, at least."

Carlisle's eyes darted around the room as he thought of an excuse, "Um… Dr Cox isn't ready to leave yet. You should go down to Esme and ask her for another pie and a nice big drink o' gin…"

Jacob grinned and ran down the stairs. Carlisle quickly shut the door and leaned against it, "Shit…"

* * *

A/N: Don't worry! There is little wait for Jasper/Alice action!! I promise I will have it up tomorrow!! (I just didn't want this chapter to be too long.) And if by some weird reason it's not there tomorrow (I have 42nd Street rehearsal and I get home late) it will most def be there Thursday.

OLD BUSINESS: 'My Dr Acula' co-author. And whoever knows who Injun Joe and Mercutio are from still get shout-outs and cookies. The answer for that will be revealed at the very end of the story, and if you cheat Ferdinand Foch will get you in your sleep. Oh yes, he will. Just wait!

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "And we all know that Tybalt killed Mercutio and let Romeo kill him so they could be together somewhere else because the world would not accept them." - Ayana


	6. Alice is a Silly Little Ninnynoodle

A/N: A HA! Look what I did! I'm good…

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Twilight, it would take place during the Civil War or on the Titanic, Bella and Edward would die painfully, Mike Newton and Jacob Black would be gay lovers, and Jasper and Carlisle would be principal characters. Is this so? No. No. No, NO! –bangs hand on desk- Ow.

* * *

"Bella, c'mon!" hissed Edward.

"But it's dirty!" wihned The Skank To End All Skanks.

"It's fine!" Edward yanked Bella's arm and they stood together in the Garfieldian clothes. Bella's Lucretia dress had a huge chocolate stain on it. On top of that stain was another stain consisting of apple juice and pistachio ice cream.

Bella frowned as Edward began,

"His hands were quick and especially strong. It stung a lot… but—"

"Dr Cox didn't turn into a vampire guys, okay?! And no one thought of Carlisle the same again. And he's a hypocrite, too, I guess, 'cause the libretto says so," Bella said hurriedly.

Edward glared at her, "What was that for?"

Bella gritted her teeth together, "There. Is. A. Stain. On. My. Dress."

Before the whoretensio could explode, Edward carried her far far away.

* * *

That night, Chief Charlie Swan sat in his study adjacent to Alice's room.

"Damn, that Alice is so fine! Mhmm! She looks so nice today… Wait, Charlie, don't think like that… Alice… you're so pretty… I wanna like, y;know… Bad Charlie! Don't think like that! … I. Need. Alice. A. Lot. CHARLIE, BAD! No, I can't take this anymore. I need Alice. Yes. Yes, I do."

Chief Swan walked over to his non-daughter's room and opened the door, "Alice?"

She was reading Candide. She laughed and muttered something about Dr. Pangloss and set the amazing book down. She glanced up at her father figure, "Yes?"

"Uhm… Well, I noticed that there was a soldier who has been hanging around the house lately. And, I hope that you haven't been having much or any contact with him. I have someone else for you in mind. Like…well…"

"Who?" Alice said eagerly.

"Me."

Alice gasped and brought her hand to her mouth. She quickly gave an excuse about something or other and asked to go to bed. Chief Swan nodded and he left the room.

* * *

The next morning, Chief Swan was at the Police Station. Jasper was in Alice's room He could tell she was upset. He crossed over to her side and gave her a friendly hug.

"What's wrong, love?" asked the concerned soldier.

"Chief Swan plans to marry me Monday!" she wailed and sat down on her bed.

Jasper's face lit up as he sat beside her, "I have a plan, Alice!"

She didn't pay attention, "I know! I can kill myself on Sunday! Yes, I can get some arsenic easily…"

"I have a plan!"

Alice turned to Jasper, "I think I heard a noise!"

"No, Alice! I have a plan!"

She got off of her bed and started pacing, "Did you hear that? He can't be back so soon! He—"

Jasper grabbed her in his arms and pulled his face closer to hers, "Kiss me!"

"Oh, sir…"

"Ah, miss…"

"Oh, sir… What if he does marry me Monday!? I would still kill myself…" sighed Alice.

"We'll leave tonight," said Jasper.

"It's Friday, really close to Sunday! We only have so much time together!"

"We'll. Leave. Tonight." Jasper said loudly.

Alice turned to him, "You must hide!"

"No! Ton—"

"I think I heard the gate!" she gasped.

Jasper folded his arms, "Silly girl, you don't have a gate!"

"I swore I heard a noise! It was probably—"

"ALICE!" exclaimed Jasper.

She stood there, dumbfounded for a few seconds, "Yes?"

"Kiss me, darling. We'll leave tonight."

"Tonight?!"

"Yes, dear. And then we can be together," Jasper kissed her again.

"I love you, sir! It does not even matter that I still don't know your name…"

Jasper, for once, was the one not paying attention, "I steal you… dear Alice…" he turned to the love of his life, "You'll marry me on Monday!"

"Of course!" Alice squealed as she clapped her hands together.

Jasper gave her the address and time at which they were supposed to meet that night.

"I knew I'd be with you one day, sir. I just knew it," Alice leaned in for a kiss.

"I love you," Jasper managed,

* * *

Chief Swan and Beadle Newton were walking home while Jasper and Alice had made their marital plans.

"So… Newton… I have decided to marry Alice on Monday!" Chief Swan said in order to break an awkward silence.

"That's great, sir! What was her reaction?"

"Eh… she didn't seem too happy," the chief shrugged.

The beadle smiled, "Don't take this the wrong way, Charlie, but you don't look so great yourself. And you know how girls adore good-looking men!"

"Maybe you're right…" coughed Chief Swan.

"And, evidently, you probably aren't feeling your best, either. I know a fantastic doctor, a Dr Carlisle Cullen…"

"Cullen, you say?" Swan and Newton continued walking back to the former's home.

* * *

_Speaking of Swan's house…_

"I was thinking, Alice. We shouldn't wait until Monday," Jasper said.

"Yes… I agree," nodded the girl.

"Is Sunday better, darling?" he walked over to her.

"How about Saturday?!" she exclaimed.

"Or…" he smiled, "Tonight!"

Just as she was about to answer him, Alice proclaimed that she heard a noise. After Jasper repeatedly telling her that she was mistaken, Alice agreed that he was right and that she was a 'silly little ninnynoodle'. Then, they proceeded to kiss.

"What should I wear!? Oh, I need to go shopping!" Alice released herself from Jasper's grasp and searched her room for satisfying objects to bring.

"There's no time, love."

"You're right again, sir! Since you will be with me anyway, what do I care what things I don't have?!" Alice grinned, hugging him.

"Ah… I love you, too, Alice!" Jasper hugged back.

"I love you, too, sir! It does not matter that I still don't know your name!" Alice admitted.

The solider pulled the girl away from him, "Jasper!"

"Jasper…" she sighed, "I knew you'd come for me one day! I'll marry Jasper Sunday…"

Downstairs, she heard a click for real this time, as Chief Swan entered. He said a little too loud, though it was to remind himself, "Cullen."

Alice quickly turned to Jasper and motioned for him to leave out her window. They kissed a final time.

"Oh, sir…"

"Ah, miss…"

And Chief Swan had no idea that Jasper was there at all.

A knock came on Alice's door shortly afterwards. Chief Swan told her that he was going out again to Dr. Carlisle Cullen's.

* * *

A/N: Yay! I promised for true, guys! R&R, si'l vous plait! 


	7. Epiphisizng Lestat?

A/N: Ack! I haven't update in so long! Well, my French teacher kept rambling about how she is going to watch "Sweeney Todd" the yucky movie tonight with her husband and I thought that I might chap some chap. So I am. And listen to my podcast. The link to it is in my username profile. Kthxbai!

FUN FACT: (title of show) is going on Broadway! I'm listening to "The Secret Garden" musical. The lady who plays Cunegonde in the 1997 Revival Cast of "Candide" can't sing. Yeah.

I DO NOT CLAIM THIS DIS: Iiiiiii don't own TwilightInterviewWithTheVampireStephenieMeyerAnneRiceLestat(Lez-tat)BroadwaySweeneyToddStephenSondheim. (That's all written with no spaces so you can say it real fast while doing a hoe down! We're playing 'Hoe Down' in band. It's a good song!!) ...HoeDownAaronCopland

A girl comes out wearing a "42nd Street" sweatshirt and has a softball mitt on her left hand, "Hey, kidderoos! Robyn here. Sorry, I couldn't update for awhile. '42nd Street' and softball have taken over my life."

Bella pouts nearby, "That's no excuse."

"Shut up…" Edward murmured.

"Anyway," Robyn glares at Skanky, "here's the long awaited next chapter! Hope y'all enjoy it! And _please_ check out my podcast! To download it, click subscribe, and then it goes to your itunes. YAY!"

The trio runs away into the streets. Then a 4th person shows up. We'll call him Lestat. He looks around, as if he was late for a cue or something. "Robyn!" he hollers. He shrugs, and then walks away, muttering something about Holden Caulfield.

Chief Swan flung open the doors of Esme's pie shop.

"I hear that an exceptional doctor named Cullen keeps his office upstairs," he said.

"Yessir, that is true. Lemme tell 'im you're here, awright?" Esme set down her rolling pin and ran up to Carlisle's office. She slammed the door shut behind her and leaned on it.

"'e's 'ere," whispered excitedly.

Carlisle took a break from pretending to nap, "Who's here, love?" He took his feet off the desk and pulled his chair closer to it.

"Him."

Carlisle frowned, "Tell me."

"Chief Swan," Esme said flatly.

Carlisle leaped out of his chair and danced his way over to Esme, "Oh joy of joys! I can do him off right now, can't I?"

Esme tilts her head to the left, "Whatever are you talking about?"

Carlisle snaps back to reality, "Oh, nothing. Forget about it."

Esme goes back downstairs and sends the chief up to Carlisle.

Carlisle greets Charlie and bids him to sit upon a chair next to an examining table.

"What can I do for you today, sir?"

Swan sighed, "Ah… I'm a man in love what can I say?"

Carlisle took a step back, "Excuse me?"

"OH! No, not like that. Silly," Swan realized that he said something Mr. Antolini-ish.

Carlisle got his black doctors' bag and set on a table next to the one for examining, "How're ya feeling?" he asked, reaching for his stethoscope.

"I dunno. Beadle Newton said that I look that I could use a check-up."

"The best one I ever gave…" Carlisle smiled sneakily. He started humming a tune that no one else would know except me and that is "Welcome to the New World" from the Lestat musical.

"Is that 'Welcome to the New World' from 'Lestat: The Musical'?" the chief asked.

Carlisle hummed a note a little bit off key before answering smugly, "Heh… yes."

Swan laughed, "You're in a merry mood today, Dr. Cullen!"

"You have no idea…" Carlisle grinned. He noticed the chief pull out a shiny diamond ring out of his coat pocket, "Who's that for?"

"My ward… And pretty as a Rosaliebud!"

"A what?"

"Never mind… Anyway, I'm giving this to my ward, Alice, when I get home tonight," Swan held up the ring.

"Who said what who now?!" Carlisle said ghetto-esque…ly?

"Alice. My ward. I be proposing to her. Tonight. Did I mention that she's pretty? ME-OW!" Swan said the last part quite uncharacteristically.

"Pretty as her mother?" Carlisle muttered.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing… Nothing like pretty women, that is!" Carlisle sighed slightly as a reward for using an amazing cover-up.

The two men reminisced about ex-girlfriends for awhile when a happy young Confederate Soulja Boy came trotting triumphantly through the door to Carlisle's office.

"She means to marry me Sunday. Everything's set we leave tonight," Jasper squealed in a sing-song voice.

Chief Swan suddenly stood up and pointed a long finger at Jasper, "YOU!"

Jasper put his hand over his mouth and gasped, "_Chief Swan_!"

"You're the one who wants to marry my darling little Alice."

"You mean _my_ darling little Alice," Carlisle muttered, almost inaudibly.

Jasper gulped and Charlie turned around in an about-face and pointed again at Carlisle. "And you are probably in on it! Don't think I don't know what you're doing!" he stomped his foot on the wooden floor, "I don't think that I will be coming here anytime soon!" The chief stormed out the room and loudly slammed the door behind him.

Jasper swished his big toe around and kept his head down, "I'm sorry, sir."

"Out," Carlisle growled.

"I'm sor—!"

"OUT, I SAY! OUT! Carlisle yelled, and the scared soldier quickly scampered away. Esme bound up the steps, nearly tripping over Jasper on his way out.

"Everythin' all right, Dr Cullen?"

Carlisle stood silently by the examining table. He was in a state of shock.

"I had him," he managed.

"Calm down, love…" Esme attempted to massage the doctor's shoulders. He flinched.

"I had him… Now he'll never come again!"

"Carlisle, dear. C'mon now, don't get like this…"

"I hate the world!" Carlisle threw his scalpel across the room, "We all deserve to die—"

"Doctor Cul—"

"And I'll never see my Alice! No, I'll never see my girl again."

An oven timer was heard from downstairs, "Finished!" Esme smiled.

"You're not going anywhere, Esme!" Carlisle pointed a white finger at her.

"Why?"

"I'm having an epiphany, idiot! You gotta hear it!"

Esme sat on a nearby stool, "Okay. Epiphisize!"

Carlisle was about to shout some more stuff when he heard Esme's least comment, "Is epihisize even a word?"

Esme shrugged. Carlisle let it slide and rambled on.

"I know what I'll do! I'll give a 'check-up' to everyone who dares to come in here. And then one day, maybe Chief Swan will come back and I can off him good!" Carlisle clapped his hands together.

"I should be getting to those pies now…" Esme thought aloud. Carlisle glared at her, "Almost done.." he whispered.

"And my Tanya lies in ashes! And I'll never see my Alice again! But there's world to do. I feel alive at last… And I'm full of JOY!"

Esme snapped her fingers like a beatnik at a poetry club. "Can I go now?" she pleaded.

"Pie away," Carlisle waved his hand toward the door.

Esme grinned a grin that only she herself would understand. It was something that would bring a beautiful smile on the gorgeous "young" doctor's face…


End file.
